helping your teen practice self-acceptance
Amber D. Cornett, LCSW, LAC
Adolescence is a vulnerable time where teens seek validation and acceptance all while trying to find a place to fit in. The tendency to compare themselves with the world around is inherent and only exacerbates issues with their self-concept. Teenagers who can develop positive self-concept have a strong foundation for overall emotional well-being.
So, how can we develop a strong self-concept? Although the task can seem daunting; we know there are ways to help teens develop a more positive self-concept.
1. Emphasize Self-Acceptance over Self-Esteem
Self-acceptance seems straight forward, however the art of truly embracing who you are, without comparison or conditions takes intentional effort. This can be especially taxing for tweens and teens as they are entering a time where their bodies are changing and their desire to find fitting social groups leads to habits of self-comparison over acceptance.
We all scroll through pictures of perfection on TV, social media and in marketing, however life is imperfect and so are we! We know that when adolescents have higher self-compassion and true acceptance of their strengths and their flaws, they have better overall well-being.
Encouraging the tween and teen in your life to practice treating themselves just as they have been taught to treat others is vital to their mental health! They need to practice self-acceptance as much as they practice language arts, math and science. Model accepting narratives for them such as:
“I am doing the best I can, I don’t have to be perfect”
“I don’t need to be someone different to fit in. It’s who I am and who I think I am that’s important.”
“I respect myself for my differences.”
“My worth is not determined by test scores and ‘likes’”
“I find this really difficult, but if I practice, I am going to improve”
“Everyone makes mistakes, they don’t define who I am”
2. Emphasize FEELING Good, over Looking Good
There are significant benefits to regular exercise, good sleep practices and healthy diets! Always emphasize how those practices are important because they make us FEEL better! A teenager’s self-concept is inadvertently linked to how they look, so helping them to take the emphasis off physical appearance is important. We know that their self-concept will be positively impacted by healthy exercise, eating and sleeping – placing the value in being stronger, dedicated, healthier and empowered will help them build self-acceptance.
3. Cultivate and Encourage their SPARK
Find out what your child is truly passionate about, then provide opportunities for them to get involved in related activities. Once they’re involved, help them connect with positive peers who have similar passions. If their passion promotes connection to school and community – even better! Providing opportunities to be involved in prosocial activities like hobbies, clubs, youth groups and sports help teens feel more connected and helps in cultivating their strengths.
The need for social connection, risk taking, and reward seeking is great during adolescence. Teens who find positive and healthy ways to meet those needs have higher senses of self-worth. Remember to stay curious about where their passion lies, it may be difficult to encourage positive risk taking outlets like skateboarding or rock climbing – but it will be infinitely more impactful if they are the driving force behind investing in their spark than if you led them to what you feel is best for them.
4. Promote Value Based Living & Vulnerability
Help teens explore their personal values and the things they want to prioritize in their lives. Talk to them about what is important to them and show them that living in ways that prioritizes their values won’t always be comfortable, but it will be worth it!
One of the people I admire most in the social work profession is Brené Brown. If you do not know her, I encourage you to investigate her work. She is a researcher who has spent her career studying vulnerability, courage, self-worth and shame. Her TEDx talk on “The Power of Vulnerability” has been viewed over 50 million times. In her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, she says, “It’s not what you do; it’s why you do it that makes the difference.”
When teens have a sense of purpose that is aligned with their personal values and character, they develop a sense of intrinsic self-worth versus one that is tied to what others think of them.
5. Emphasize the Importance of Kindness
Along those same lines, we know that when teenagers help others, they feel better about themselves! Much like putting focus on values and character, when we contribute to higher causes, we increase self-worth and acceptance because we think beyond ourselves. Intentionally practicing kindness increases feelings of positivity, purpose and empowerment ultimately leading to higher senses of self-worth and acceptance.
