it takes a village…
Autism Parenting Magazine, October 2021, Amber D. Cornett, LCSW, LAC
“It takes a village to raise a child” speaks to the importance of having an entire community of people who are investing in the wellbeing of children, caregivers, and families. Historically speaking, village life allowed for a community where families were included, supported, and accepted. A place that was built specifically with the purpose of helping families thrive.
The problem, as I have come to know during my journey of parenting, however, is that village no longer exists. We instead are being expected to single handedly provide the physical, social, emotional, psychological, spiritual and, in our cases, developmental care to our families that it once took an entire village to provide. It’s an unrealistic expectation, and yet I notice myself continually fighting feelings of inadequacy in my parenting, no doubt spun up by our society’s unrealistic expectations.
Over the years, I have attempted to fill the void of parenting neurodivergent children without a village with many things, only to be too often left with the same feelings of isolation, disempowerment, sadness and being overwhelmed. I have turned to pediatricians, developmental specialists, speech, physical, occupational, and behavioral therapists and even my own clinical graduate studies for the answers that I assumed would soothe me. I listened to podcasts, read articles and books to soak up all the knowledge possible on parenting neurodivergent children. I studied and researched in the name of lifelong learning thinking that would possibly decrease the discomfort I was feeling. Although those efforts were not wasteful and ultimately added to the toolbox of techniques that I use to conquer parenting challenges, it was not what I needed most.
What I needed most was the village, the place where a sense of community supports thriving. The community where we authentically connect with one another through lived experiences, share in each other’s joy and nurture one another through the challenges that will undoubtedly arise. The place where we can learn and teach, be vulnerable, experience personal growth, and lean in for support with people who see and hear us without judgement. The place where we unite in fighting for a world that accepts our children JUST AS THEY ARE, unique, amazing, and individualistic versus being expected to mold them to the comfort of constructed societal norms. I visualize this village, the one that connects all of us who know what it is to be Parenting Upstream.
Although I am an idealist at heart, someone who tends to lean on hope for encouragement, I also fully realize we will most likely never experience physically living in the village I describe. I instead have settled for a change in mindset to host the village I so desperately desire.
Here are 6 steps I have taken to create my village mentality, that may help you in creating yours too:
1. Attach to the true reality, instead of societal expectations: Parenting at baseline is hard, parenting children with special needs carries a different set of unique challenges. The fact that it often feels like an overwhelming struggle has less to do with our inadequacy and more to do with unrealistic circumstances under which we are expected to parent.
2. Invest in authentic relationships: We are biologically wired for connection. Safe, authentic, vulnerable, and supportive connections are essential for thriving. Investing in this type of relationship takes courage and intention, but the return on investment is well worth the effort it takes to get to the other side of your comfort zone. I have found some of my most meaningful relationships have come from the people who wouldn’t naturally be in “my group”, but those I have sought out for mentorship, support, and guidance.
3. Our families are NOT deficit based: As I mentioned above, parenting neurodivergent children can undoubtedly be challenging AND it can also be rewarding, joyful, satisfying, heartwarming, enjoyable and fulfilling! There is so much emphasis placed on the deficits of our children; the behaviors, the interventions, the medications, the meltdowns, the diagnoses, and the delays that it is easy to get trapped into only seeing what they are lacking versus delighting in all their amazing qualities.
4. You can’t pour from an empty cup: We cannot be expected to parent the next generation intentionally, patiently, and positively without also taking care of ourselves. There is just only so much we can give to the humans relying on us so heavily when we have nothing in the tank. Self-care is essential, not optional.
5. Stop “shoulding” all over yourself and practice self-compassion: At every corner, we are receiving messages of never being good enough. We must fight to have a healthy relationship with ourselves, just as we are, to combat the messages trying to convince us of what we “should” be, how we “should” be it, and the things we “should” be achieving to be worthy of acceptance, happiness, and love.
6. Engage in a community big or small: We aren’t intended to do this alone. Join or create a community of people in whatever way you can. I created Parenting Upstream – a community of people navigating the unique journey of parenting neurodivergent children. However, this could be any number of things, a book club, a parent & child day out, church, coffee with class parents, support groups. Whatever it is, just commit to setting aside time to grow a support system around an area of life that fills your cup!
I know it is not the actual village, a physical place where we may someday arrive, but taking these steps to create a village mentality can be a game changer!
Amber Cornett is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Parenting Coach, Consultant, and Mother to identical twin boys with Autism and their neurotypical teenage brother. She helps caregivers navigate the unique journey of parenting Neurodivergent children. Her extensive training, life experience as a mother of three thriving neurodivergent children and ability to authentically connect with families make her exceptional at providing collaborative guidance for parents.
