throw out everything you knew about parenting

Amber D. Cornett, LCSW, LAC

Uncertainty Stinks, Now We Know

 “Throw away everything you thought you knew about parenting.”

That’s what the developmental specialist who diagnosed our twin sons with Autism told us as she explained how we should approach this parenting journey.  The news of twins came as a surprise. We had what doctors call “spontaneous multiple pregnancy”, meaning I was 1 out of 250 women who naturally has more than one embryo implant in her uterus without medical assistance.  After pre-term labor and ultimately delivering my twins prematurely, we embarked on a journey that has been indisputably uncertain.

"You aren't going to have the same experience you had with your oldest child."

That's what the doctors and specialists alike advised us along the way as if that little nugget was something that hadn’t occurred to us naturally.  Although, we realized the uncertainty to come, it was still difficult to take in what the doctors were telling us.  We had dreams and pictures of what the years to come would look like.  Then suddenly – reports, diagnoses, IEPs, evaluations, therapies, specialists and minute to minute considerations took over.

I’d be lying if I said we didn’t experience a wide range of emotions.  We felt everything from anxiety, fear and sadness to complete and utter joy.  At the core of it all though was uncertainty.  We just never knew what the next minute, day, week, month or years held and that was downright maddening. 

I am reminded of this array of emotions as we shuffle through the uncertainty of the pandemic.  None of us were expecting it, we didn’t plan for it, and although we may know someone distantly impacted by it, our defense mechanisms keep us protected and let us think it won’t likely happen to us.  

Yet, here we are months into a global pandemic, where people are losing their sense of normalcy, health, safety, livelihoods and even lives and we are holding piles of uncertainty. We all have a common understanding; uncertainty stinks! And although I admittedly wanted to punch that doctor in the face at the time, I am finding a sort of solace in and am even being guided by his advice now.

“You aren’t going to have the same experience you had with……”

We aren’t going to have the same experiences we had before the pandemic.  Extremely deadly, minimally harmful, right, wrong, politically charged, media sensationalized or not, it is a force to be reckoned with and in order to find the certainty and peace we are so craving there must be an acceptance of the circumstances. 

The journey of parenting through diagnoses I describe above happened to align with my clinical graduate studies and my theoretical lens had a focus on living in the present-moment, acceptance of experiences and value-based actions. The thought is that a great deal of our discomfort comes as a result of our avoidance of experiences. 

In our case, we were so busy avoiding the anxiety provoking uncertainty of what may come next in the Autism journey that we were missing the amazement and joy of what just experiencing the present moment with our family could offer us.  Uncertainty is anxiety provoking naturally, and we have to be intentional to accept that uncertainty to relieve the anxiety.   

I am jolted back to those words.  “You aren’t going to have the same experience you had with….”.  I needed that as a gentle reminder to get back to the present moment!  A reminder to reflect on what is important to us, each other. 

I also am realistic and fully realize, this is easier said than done. Anxiety, fear, sadness, anger, and feelings of being overwhelmed are real and should be validated.  There were and are certainly times where we lost it, where I lean heavily on my village, where I scream or cry, or sleep or I rant about how unfair this journey has been.  That also is warranted. 

The point is, it is hard, and it is ok to feel your feelings and do what you must do to accept them and let them be so you can just be present!  Acceptance is key though, there is no amount of wishing it away, or wondering what will be next, or blaming it on this or that that will soothe the uncertainty and discomfort. 

Robert Frost nailed it on the head, “The only way out is through”.