teens need a village too

Here’s why they need it, how to build it, and what to do if they find themselves in the wrong crowd.

--Amber D. Cornett, LCSW, LAC

I have been working with and learning from teenagers and families for 20 years.  I grew to love the work so much, I invested in a clinical graduate degree so I could further my work and become a teen therapist.  Each time I meet with a new family, we have an entire session dedicated to seeing if the therapeutic relationship will be a good fit.  Usually during that time parents do most of the telling about what they feel is going on with their child while the teen sits quietly until they are left alone to tell their side of the story.

From parents I often hear:

“I try to tell him (insert nugget of wisdom), but of course, he never listens to me.” 

“This wasn’t a problem until she started hanging out with those new friends.”

“I can’t believe you got that out of him, why won’t he just open up to me?” 

And from teens I hear:

“They’re always nagging me about everything, I can’t do anything right.”

“She just doesn’t understand me anymore.”

“I can’t tell them that; they would kill me.”

I know parents and caregivers are aware their precious babies have reached the age where relationships with other people have been granted priority, however it never seems to lessen the blow when acknowledged out loud. The sympathetic parent in me is exposed as I witness the primitive, how-did-they-grow-up-so-fast part of their brain try to process: do they really need anyone besides me? 

Does my teen really need everyone else?          

The short answer is, YES! How connected teens feel to positive peers and adults during adolescent development can have both immediate and lasting effects on their lives.  Having “a positive peer and adult network have been shown to prevent substance use and promote mental health,” Dr. Christian Thurstone, Director of Service of Behavioral Health Services at Denver Health and a professor of psychiatry at the University of Colorado Denver, discussed with me through email.  Based upon recent findings from the Healthy Kids Colorado Survey and research published by the Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, we know that teens who have strong family, community and school connections are much less likely to have mental health issues, engage in risky sexual behavior, experience violence, use substances, and experience other negative outcomes including suicide. 

How do I build that network of positive peers and trusted adults?

First, find out what your child is truly passionate about, then provide opportunities for them to get involved in related activities.  Once they’re involved, help them connect with positive peers who have similar passions.  In his email, Dr. Thurstone recommends parents do “anything that promotes connection to school and community.”  He added, this includes encouraging “involvement in prosocial activities such as sports, clubs and youth groups.”  Offer to provide transportation, go to events with your child, get to know the group or team coaches/leaders, offer the financial support your child needs to participate.

Showing up may look different in every household, so try not to get hung up on how you show up, just find ways to engage that suits your family. Scott LoMurray, the executive director of Sources of Strength, a best practice youth suicide prevention project, says it is imperative to be “involved, invested, and aware of what is going on in the students life.”  To that effort, he explained it is helpful to know the friends your teen is choosing and “build your own relationship as a trusted adult in the lives of those friends.” It’s ultimately a balancing act of being involved while respecting their autonomy. 

The foundation will be laid by you as their parent.   Dr. Thurstone went on to explain in our email, that perhaps the biggest influence on teens “is the warm, positive connection between caregiver and child.”  He advises parents to prioritize flexibility in the relationship as it will be “ever evolving and will take continuous maintenance and repair.”  He writes, teens who have a warm relationship with their caregiver “are more likely to receive advice and direction” when the time comes.  Quite encouragingly, he also reminded me that “we only have to be good enough because there is no perfect parent.” This intentional investment into your relationship will come in handy if you notice your teen has found themselves in a less than positive and supportive peer group.

My child is in the WRONG network, how do I get them out without the power struggles and constant nagging?

The need for social connection, risk taking, and reward seeking is so great during adolescence, that teens will find ways to meet those developmental needs whether they are met in positive, healthy and productive ways or not.  I have yet to meet a teen who has intended to end up in the “wrong crowd”, in fact all teens I encounter are simply seeking to fit in, build identity, cope with stress and find their place in the world.    

Opportunities for growth inevitably present themselves during the teen years.  Their brains are wired to take risks without fully considering the consequences, so when it happens to your child, blame neuroscience first.  Next, take a deep breath and be sure you can approach the situation from a place of empathy and connection before tackling tricky topics.  Then, become curious about what developmental need they may be trying to meet. 

Scott LoMurray went on to advise, that parents stay “curious about the answers” teens will offer, instead of trying to shape their opinions.  Wonder what is it about this group of friends that your child is identifying with?  Do they feel a sense of connection and belonging to these friends?  Do they realize these friends are having a negative influence on them or making them feel badly about themselves?  Scott expressed, “it is infinitely more powerful and helpful if a student can come to the conclusion that they would like to build some more healthy and positive relationships in their lives.” 

Is there a bulleted version?

• You are in the parenting arena and it is hard!  Offer yourself as much grace as you will offer your child!  Relish in the comfort of knowing you don’t have to be perfect – just good enough!

• It’s not you, it’s neuroscience!  You are not failing as a parent; you may just need to find new ways to approach the situation.  Parenting is a lifelong learning process, so dive in and model for them the vulnerability it takes to learn new things over the lifespan.

• Connect and Collaborate.  When you prioritize the connection you have with your child, all other things will come.   I love how Scott Lo Murray described, “it is not worth sacrificing trust and connection between you and your child in order to prove a point or have them see it your way, embrace the tension, you are in this together.”

Amber is a licensed social worker and therapist in the state of Colorado whose passion and expertise lie within working with adolescents and young adults. Additionally, she works with parents and caregivers to address the unique challenges that they face at home and in the community.